Today I felt so gloriously small. I drove into a cloudless blue sky and drowned in sunshine. I felt unhindered by my obligations. No planning for the grocery store, no thinking through schedules for naps. Just me in that moment and people all around. Of course they don’t know my problems and I don’t know theirs. My restless night filled with toddler interruptions doesn’t affect their morning commute and their project at work doesn’t add any pressure on our trip to visit grandparents.
There’s two kinds of smallness I’ve experienced: the kind where you feel little, insignificant, and inconsequential and the kind where you feel small and connected to a bigger, wider world and aren’t weighed down by measures of status. The latter is pure freedom and the former is the environment of insecurity.
When I feel insignificantly little it’s like the only thing that exists in the whole world is the problem that’s weighing me down. My fears and my worries shape the world around me and suck it’s beauty away. I’m in a tunnel that never ends, in a cycle of problems that have no solution.
But when I’m small in the right way, I’m part of a bigger work. I’m a soldier in an army of prayer warriors all fighting to bring a brother home. I’m a voice in a choir of artists proclaiming God’s glory. I’m in a sea of opportunities for good, for change, for passion.
I’m learning what makes me feel small in the right ways: drives through rolling hills, blue skies and green green grass, marital bliss (listen, my husband is on this list and I don’t know how else to word it), music, the rowing machine at the gym (oddly enough, only when listening to booty shaking music), reading, a clean house, writing letters, travel, tickle fights with my kids, learning deeply, writing, and warm breezes at dusk.
And you know what my list is for what makes me feel insignificant and little? One thing: Not making time for the list above.
It’s so simple and yet so difficult to make time for what makes us feel small, what fuels us, what makes us feel alive. But it’s worth it a million times over. What’s on your list?
Gorgeous images by Christina Gregor Photography.