It’s our first last day of preschool and I (like a chump) am completely surprised at how sad I am. I’m still excited, I love the way our relationship with our kids grows as they get older and we get to see them more clearly for the individuals they are. But yea, I’m like….REALLY sad this morning.
I finally understand why every mom is being all sappy and sentimental and squeezing her kids extra tight this time of year, whether they are graduating preschool (which I mean, I still don’t believe that’s a real thing, wouldn’t promoting out of preschool be better verbiage?) or graduating from high school. There’s this desire to “Stop This Train,” and I honestly did not see all these emotions coming, but man are they are coming in strong.
I’ve never ever been the type to be truly sad over our kids growing, which makes all this even more uncomfortable. When you know yourself well enough to prepare that “Hey I’m going to get emotional when I reflect on the year” or “Change is always rough for me” then you kind of know to dig your heels in and brace yourself for the emotions to thunder over you. But being sucker punched? Oh man, it has me curled up in bed crying myself to sleep and feeling a little confused in the morning. I’ve always been excited. In some ways I still am excited to get to know our kids better, the more they know of themselves and learn how to express themselves. I’m so excited when I think about actually sharing experiences with them instead of trying to facilitate experiences that they are too young to appreciate or fully understand. I’m excited to see their friendship with each other grow and deepen.
But the thunder rolls and mourning lingers.
Maybe it’s because, according the calendar, my hormones are raging against logic with all their might...but it just feels so real, so daunting, so final.
I feel so overwhelmingly sad that this stage is over and “the big kid” stage is starting.
It just feels like the end, in so many ways--and it is, it's the end of what we've come to know, the end of predictability. But what's worse than an ending is the whole goodbye of it all. The ache that this really great year only occupies our memories now. The sadness that these teachers aren't his anymore. The secret grief that he won’t be seeing these friends in the fall because they are all going to different schools, which praise the Lord has gone over his head. The fear, oh the fear! That maybe the next year won't be as good, as sweet, as innocent.
But mainly this gut wrenching heartbreak comes from the fact of the matter that with each year that passes, each stage they grow through, we get a little closer to sending out the heart of our hearts and setting them free to go out and build their own life.
Then again, like my husband said as he sympathetically hugged me this morning, “It’s only kindergarten.” And at least maybe, maybe, maybe I will have less pee to clean off the side of the toilet and one less baby to smear purple play dough in the new carpet. Every rain cloud has a silver lining right?
Stay strong mommas, summer will take it’s toll and soon we’ll be praying for school to start again...at least that’s what I’m counting on to get me through this strange, growing up, momma grief.
But if you need a good old cathartic cry fest cause being a mom simultaneously expands and breaks your heart, I made a mini-playlist on Apple Music for you, just copy and paste the link below into a new window. ( cause listen--I can only go so far with technology and between spotify and itunes...this is where I landed ok?)