There’s a buzz word going around, especially for women. I think it’s supposed to be motivating and exciting but it’s having the opposite affect on me. It’s kind of killing me, actually. I feel defeated and lacking and discontent when I let myself run away with this thing. But I think part of the problem is that I’ve been giving this word the wrong movement, the wrong use, and ill placed freedom in my life. It’s not wrong, it just needs to be realigned, re-calibrated.
Dreaming isn’t bad. Dreams have changed the world. Dreams are the beautiful artwork of our imagination and history and future hope all melded together.
But my dreams aren’t the essence of who I am and what my life is about, but it’s so tempting to believe otherwise.
Lately, I’ve been feeling so pulled, so overwhelmed, so “I can’t even manage the mediocre state of my to do list, much less managing to dream big.” My priorities shifted-- for a just a second it felt like-- and now I’m here, crying in the kitchen while my husband hugs me. I can’t have it all or do it all well. My dreams became this all important vacuum and it only took a second. Just a second I swear. A second of believing that I needed to mold my life around MY dreams. And no matter how noble or fulfilling or fueling even, my dreams can’t shape my life, I give them the power to push my decisions or priorities.
But there is one dream that I want to give up all others for. There's one dream out there that I can let myself fall into with abandon. There is one dream and only one that I can to give my life to and make my decisions through.
The Gospel, it has to be. Sanctification in me, the living breathing continuance of the Gospel in my life every day, is the dream I've been given and the dream I choose. I’ve got a flesh full of weeds choking it out, it doesn’t organically grow in me, I need the Gardner to cultivate and prune and grow this Gospel dream in my heart.
To be like Jesus, to conform to God’s word and live by His Spirit--this is the dream I want my kids to see and love and be inspired to want for themselves. This dream, this Gospel dream, is the ONE dream that matters down to my core.
If they stand by my graveside and they talk about my blog, my books, my guest posts, my craft...what a tragedy. If writing, if my dreams to express and share all that God has done doesn’t magnify God in my quiet hours alone--then it’s a waste. If I don’t step away from the computer today knowing I worshiped, then why? What’s the point?
Here’s what they don’t tell you about dreaming. If you don’t choose wisely those dreams they consume you like a flesh eating virus from the inside. Then they poison your family, then your home, and your time.
Dreams have to be chosen and prioritized. That’s what they don’t tell you. And it’s painful to say “This dream doesn’t get to have my time today or maybe even this week, there’s something or someone else that needs to come first.” It sucks that out of 168 hours this week, my dreams get about 1...maybe maybe 2 of those. Gosh I think my heart hurt a little bit just writing it there in black and white.
It hurts, divorcing the flesh on you from the soul of you, separating what you want from what’s best.
But contrary to what it feels like when we see successful women all around us//the internet, there IS time. There’s time to be patient. There’s time to start small with what you have.
I have a responsibility to so much more than just my dreams, I have a responsibility to make sure my family has clean underwear (not that I’m speaking as someone who might be in her last pair and is doing any emergency load right this very second). I have a responsibility to feed our family and bring order to our home. I have a responsibility to my job which was so lavishly provided by the Lord for me. I have a responsibility to spare some room in my emotional capacity so that I have more than just the frayed and frustrated bits to offer my family. I have a responsibility to love real live-not-through-a-computer-screen-people.
And you know what, I do have a responsibility to the calling of my dreams which I believe that God created in my heart. My responsibility is to steward that dream well and wisely. My responsibility is to be patient and gracious with little, so that when the seasons come that my kids are in school I can hope to be responsible with much more.
It doesn’t please the heart of God for me to take the gifting He placed in me and to let it drive a selfish, greedy little girl to impatiently stomp her feet and hate the other blessings that fill my life.
So here’s my creed, I’ll write it down and hang it up along with all the other inspirational creative quotes that surround my desk because I KNOW I’ll forget. I’ll forget again, even if it’s just for a second so I want this creed to remind me.