In this season the Lord has taught me the difference between two things: want and desire. I want a pair of druzy dagger dangles from Wrenn Jewelry, a pair of Nickel and Suede earrings in silver, a "Y'all" box tank from Oh Sweet Joy, a Lindsay Letters "Milk & Honey" print, and some fake succulents from Target and a floral kimono (I mean...Mother's Day is coming up so yea...I took the opportunity to put that list in writing, I can't always be deep y'all! This is real life!). But what I most deeply desire is for God to radically move in our hearts and our lives. I desire to be more like Jesus. I desire to see myself and the world through God's eyes instead of through my own biased and deficient lenses.
As in any difficult season I find myself bouncing between two selfish questions, 1. Why this? and 2. Why now? Like oceans waves they come one after another but the tide still comes in and the tide still goes out. And like the power and steadiness of the tide, God continues to pull me to himself, unaffected by my repetitive waves.
Today as I was pulling the biggest ugliest weeds known to man, I cheered myself on, "Once this is out of the way we can plant something beautiful!" My lower back ached and my skin itched with irritation, but I knew that I had to clear out the flower beds once and for all. Then all at once, I knew the Holy Spirit was whispering, "This is what has to happen with your heart too. I'm going to plant seeds and beautiful things will grow. But not through these weeds." And all those times of people telling us that "God is going to use this" and we're "going to grow so much because of this," came into view and lined up with every idol that is being torn out of my heart and left to die in the noonday sun. I pulled those weeds and prayed that the soil in my heart would look like this gorgeous, fertile, clean flowerbed. That I would be a ground where good seeds grow.
As I moved down to the far end, I saw the rectangle of grass filling the right side of the flowerbed and thought "Grass? Ah yes, a break. This will be so easy to pull up or at worst dig up." Who ever dreaded a little patch of grass? ....Oh wait grass from hell? That's what the stuff is. I worked so hard digging and clawing and gripping and pulling and I only got this tiny tiny spot cleared. Who would have thought the prettier weeds were the hardest to get out?
Self-righteousness, arrogance, pride, fear clocked in cautiousness....those don't just let go of the ground they've laid ahold of. Those pretty little boogers take all the everything to get out. I always have the option of letting them become overgrown and then no one would even know there was a flower bed underneath. I could fool most people into thinking that it was just a weird part of the yard if I put in the minimal effort. But.
But I want to be the ground where the good seeds grow.