As a mom what I need more than anything else in the whole wide world is authenticity. Show me a mom that jokes around about how long it’s been since she washed her hair and my heart feels at home. I appreciate all the blogs and sentiments that motherhood is a gift from God (which it 100% is!) and that all the self sacrifice is worth it because we love our kids so much (also true) and that when we feel sad about our saggy belly buttons (I might…might have actually cried over such a situation last week, don’t tell though cause I hate crying) we should just look at our kids and it will instantly give us warm fuzzies cause they are worth all the changes that our body goes through (again…still not untrue). But what I need more the mommas who are brave enough to say, I love this thing—this mom thing, but sometimes it’s also so hard. I need that friend who lets me vent after a horrible morning and encourages me that it will all work out. I need to know that I’m not the only one who loves her kids and still hates her stretch marks. I want to be that friend, I want to be that messenger here in this space. It’s hard and it’s wonderful. It’s sweet and it’s draining. It’s sanctifying like none other and sends me straight to Jesus constantly-whichis the very best thing about it all.
There’s a war in my heart, a war for balance on this tight rope. A war of honesty and confession and striving.
I feel so big, I could conquer the world. // I feel so small, like no one sees me.
I love this season. // I hate this season.
Nailed it. // I’m failing.
Every mom goes through this. // No one else feels the isolation, the sense of failure or the lack of friendship that I feel.
I feel so content with the limitations in this season of our lives. // When will I get to do what I want to do again?
I love that our home is so full and bustling. // I just want some ever loving peace.
Other things can wait, this is my dream right now. // When will I get to chase my dreams outside of mom stuff?
I wonder what they are doing right now, I miss them. // I don’t want this date night to ever end.
THIS is MY life! // This…is my life.
Life as a mom means living with sustained growing pains, learning curves that go on forever like an infinity sign, and choices. This war inside me is fought by the hour and won only with a choice. A choice to accept the tightrope. A choice to accept the paradox of conflicting emotions and dynamics. A choice to say, it’s neither effortless nor is it worthless. It’s painful AND it’s pleasant. A choice to believe that balance doesn’t look as put together and elegant as I thought it would. The only way to walk forward with out fear is by anticipating that the rope will dip and sway, that’s the nature of the tightrope that’s why it’s so special.
But what gets me the most is that my unsteadiness is inconsequential because HE IS STEADY. If I can just chill out about my shortcomings, my fears, my faltering-- then I have to worship. Cause look at Him, He does not fall short, or fear or falter.